Why I’m terrified, and why that’s stupid.

** this post is very personal and in no way as traumatic as anyone who is going through things that are worse like health issues etc. I do realize this and told myself that every day of going through this ** 

I sat with my back against the wall, holding our tax papers. Bawling. Crying huge huge tears.

All last year I had worked so hard to send all of the extra money we made to pay off debt. I was doing it right I thought. I was cleaning us up, I was making our future easier, I was taking the dark shadow off from above our heads.

I never accounted for taxes.

I never knew that when I answered God earlier that year and said yes to the ‘no plan, plan ‘ we would then get pregnant so fast.

We joyfully paid off all our debt last year, but then in the slow season of my business… maybe $30 to our name and a baby on the way… we got our tax papers back in the mail.

We owed $4,000.00. 

I had just a few short months to make that much money to pay for my mistake of not saving for taxes, and get ready to be on maternity leave from my business.

I was terrified.

Josh and I bought rice and beans, spaghetti, and canned marinara. We had $25 on a homeland gift card and spent literally every penny to get us to Josh’s next pay check.

I worked my butt off creating a video course to sell online, I had talks with a financial advisor friend who kept talking about the future and IRA’s and big dreams. All I could see were rice and beans and a $4,000 voucher sitting in my kitchen.

Last week I booked enough clients, and sold enough classes to pay every dime of our taxes, my tax prep guy,  my office manager her salary, and the baby doctor her monthly dues.

I cried again. This time happy tears.

As we were setting up the paper work and wrote the checks out, I looked at Josh and told him I couldn’t believe it all came together.

He looked at me and said “I don’t know why you don’t just trust God”

Why? Why don’t I just trust God? Why do I worry SO much about money when God has ALWAYS taken care of us. Why do I worry so much about our location and Josh’s job, when wherever he places us is exactly where he wants us? Why do I worry about our family and how in the world we will be able for this precious new baby to have connections to all 26 immediate family members, when it will all work out for the good? Why do I worry how I will balance a baby and business when he showed me I could balance 4 jobs before Josh and I got married? Why do I worry about how my house or car looks, when I know that people who matter only care about how your heart looks.

Every. Single. Day. I need to get OVER myself and realize that God’s got it. Sure I still have to hustle and get my work done, I still have to have a busy schedule and sleepless nights, Josh and I will always get a little frustrated by our teacher salary income budget, but NONE of that should stop me from enjoying every single second of this amazing life God has given to me in order to grow his kingdom. All of that and better planning for our little dreams, and we are going to be fine. No, we are going to be great.

Thank you Jesus.

and thank you everyone who has kindly helped us in ways you probably didn’t know you did.

I’m going to look back on this and just laugh.

I told my best friend that I wished I could look at life like an 85 year old does. Someone who has seen things resolve themselves hundreds of different ways so they don’t really worry anymore.

She said “I’m pretty sure that only happens with time”

Listen to this song if you’re going though anything you think you can’t quite see the end of right now.

I cried listening to this song a lot too haha.

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